Fautimah Amin comes to Islam

Posted by CDADawah On April - 23 - 2009

I never believed in worshipping anyone except for God. Even as a child, the concept that we should worship Father, Son and Holy Ghost bothered me deeply. I could not understand why the son and the holy ghost should be worshipped… didn’t they worship God, too?


As I grew, I was indoctrinated into Western Society. I learned to leave my modesty and be forward. I learned to read people, understand what they wanted and give it to them. I learned to be manipulative and cold. I learned to use people and discard them when they had no more use to me. I learned to lie. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, little white lies, the lies that get you noticed, the lies that get you out of trouble, the lies that get you through the day. I looked around at my role models. The President, movie stars, businesses, family members, everyone said it was A OK to lie as long as you don’t get caught. All this made me cynical. All this made me doubt that there was a God. I became an atheist. I decided that with this cold cruel world, there could not be a God. 


This time was a dark time for me. I believed deeply in God from earliest childhood. With all the potential I was blessed to have, it was more and more being channeled into being a person I did not like at all. But, without a God, what incentive did I have to be anything else? 


Finally, the incentive came from not being able to resolve my internal conflict when I didn’t like the person I was coming to be. I had to reach for being a person I could live with. I had to reach for being someone I, myself could like. With this decision, came another. I decided that, whether there actually was a God or not, I believed in what He stood for. I believed in “being a nice person”. 


After this, I changed my behaviors and came to like myself again. Having done this, one day I was sitting in a Chemistry class and suddenly looked at the periodic table of the elements. I puzzled over it. I said, this thing demonstrates an incredible order in the way things are. But it’s not an order you would expect like water reaching its own level or potato chips settling into the most comfortable possible position in the bag. It’s an order that has an artistic flair. The fact that the table is not a perfect square or a perfect rectangle, but has places here and there that “stick out” and the transitional elements which don’t even really fit on the page without elongating the paper and making a footnote all combined together to show me the art in that science. I had to say it. “Somebody did that!”


So I returned to my beloved belief in God.


I began to call myself Christian because it was the only monotheistic religion I knew but I also began to look for the Christian denomination that would fit my beliefs. For I still did not believe in worshipping more than one God.


Meantime, I continued to engage in some of the same self-destructive behaviors because they were still a part of what it meant to be a “good person” at that time. Going to parties and staying out late, these were things that you could do and still be considered a “good person” under Western rules. These behaviors left me feeling empty and just as used up as the people I used to use. I began to fail in my life. My schoolwork suffered. My relationships suffered. My family life suffered and I became just as much the victim as those I used to victimize. 


I met some Muslims from overseas around this time. We were attending the same school and, at that time, I was actually doing well. They wanted help in their studies so we made an arrangement where I would tutor them and they would include me in their dinners. I enjoyed eating new and different foods and looked forward to the deal.


My association with them was beneficial to me because they were very serious about their studies. It was beneficial to them because I was very intelligent. With their insistence upon hard work and my ability to give them guidance so their work had merit, we all did well in our courses.


At the same time, I was suffering socially. Eventually, I came to them a mere emotional shell. We sat together and told me about Islam. They told me there was only one God. 


SubhanAllah, I heard a bell. The bell was so clear and so distinct, I could have sworn I heard it with my ears but somehow I knew with all my heart that the bell had sounded within my soul.


I sat up from the couch and said, “YES!”


Then they told me that Jesus had not been the son of God but that he was a man who had been born without a father and was loved by God. That he was also a prophet and that he was loved and respected by all muslims. I was happy with this explanation because I never thought of Jesus as having been the product of a union between God and Mary, rather a creation of God that had been placed in Mary miraculaously and was just refered to as God’s son. Not that he actually had the same relationship with God that I have with my father, rather that he had the same relationship with God that I have with God. A relationship between a creation and his Creator.


As they were talking, the bell rang a total of 3 times. I remember the ringing but I do not remember what points they were making when it rang. 


After this. I went home. I was still very troubled, perhaps even more so. Christianity had always taught me to believe in it without question. It was a matter of faith to just accept the teachings of Christianity, even when they did not make any sense. It was a trick of the devil to try to make sense out of them. So I was afraid. Because Christianity was REALLY not making any sense now that I had a religion I knew existed that had all the elements I had been looking for all my life.


I was up at night pacing and talking to myself. There was a great battle going on inside my head and I felt that I would explode. Should I follow the thing that made sense or should I stick to my faith? Would I be eternally damned for being logical? Would I suffer total seperation from everything I had ever learned? Would I be doing what was right and what God wanted me to do? 


I left the house. It must have been very late at night but I do not know the time. I walked. I walked like a woman possessed. It began to rain. At first it was a gentle rain. The more I walked, the harder it rained until I was absolutely drenched. I went to a parking lot. I sat in the rain and cried. I cried and cried until there were no more tears and then I cried some more. I got up. I was cold. It was dark. I was alone. I saw a church. I had never known that church was there. I went to the church. 


It was locked. The lights were on so I knocked. I knocked and, eventually, the pastor came to the door and let me in. 


I went inside. It was empty. Not that there were no people. It just felt so empty. I knew I didn’t belong there. I left. I walked home in the rain. When I got home, I took a hot shower. I wrote some poetry. Then I made a decision. I decided that I would be muslim. I decided that Islam was the way God intended man to worship Him. The moment I made this decision… 


All the noise stopped. All the turmoil stopped. All the confusion stopped. I have never before or since felt the clarity and peace I felt in that moment. I have never, one day or one time had a doubt that I made the right decision. It’s been 27 years and I am just as convinced today as I was that night 27 years ago. There is no god except Allah and Muhammed is His servant and messenger.

1 Response so far
  1. Ysh Said,

    Mashallah! Short and snappy story…straight to the point.

    Posted on December 7th, 2009 at 1:46 pm

Add your comment